Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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