Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
