my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
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