I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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