She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
