I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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