I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
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