So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
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