God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
