WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
and you fell through a lawn chair
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
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