just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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