Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
