Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
My hand turned me down
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
