watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Randomize
