I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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