Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I'm way too hungover for life right now
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
