So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
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