I think i peed on brittanys purse
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Randomize
