Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Randomize