Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
