How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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