the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
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