I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize