A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
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