well he's currently spooning the coffee table
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
When / where did the additional couches appear?
Additional?
James brought one with him when he showed up. Theres still 2 outside and according to facebook, at least one more burned up.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
