dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
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