In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
