So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
