that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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