i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Four minutes until I can fart!
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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