Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
