im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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