i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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