I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
Do vagina's smell?
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
