I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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