she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
I am full of burrito and curiosity
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
