My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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