dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
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