Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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