She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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