It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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