i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
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