So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
