just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
