Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Randomize
