My balls are so social today.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
