Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
