In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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