I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
