OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
