she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Watching her eat just hurts me
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
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