First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
