He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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