remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Randomize
